Suicide Squirrel: TOTAL WAR
by Nekonezume
Summary: Suicide Squirrel joins the army to get rid of those blasted Tediz, but gets quite a bit more than he bargained for. Based on the Total War multiplayer game. Chapters 1-4 so far, and more to come!
1. Default Chapter

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 1 (Conker's BFD fanfic)

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 1

It was the year 2001. In the grey squirrels' homeland, everyone was ready for bed. The little children had been read to and tucked in, and young couples had... well, you know, and everyone was settled down, ready for some shuteye. That is... until the Tediz invaded. There were thousands of them. They took a small island just off the coast of an ocean near the community of Windy as their base, capturing squirrels every so often and using them for their sinister, twisted experiments. Anyone who saw a Tediz never saw anything again after. Namely, because they were dead. They had even removed the legs of a little girl and used her as a seeing-eye puppet for their own disgusting experiment. The grey squirrel sergeant knew this could happen no more. "After so many years of being a sergeant, I have never seen anything so bastardic in my entire life," He said to himself one day, slamming a fist into his palm. "First last year's Tediz invasion that killed off all my troops, now _this_! What we is gonna do, I dunno..." He shook his head. "I hate to see more recruits dead, but we need to get rid of these Tediz." He sighed. "I guess I'll have to call the boys in. Anyone over eightteen'll have ta go." He sighed again as he reached for the telephone. He hated when he had to sacrifice other men.

Days later, all the squirrels over eighteen lined up outside the ocean off Tediz Island. "Boys, you has been chosen for a mission. You have no choice but to accept." The sergeant announced. All the squirrels in the crowd gulped loudly. "The Tediz has invaded the island _again_, and we has got to get rid of them! In two hours, the boat will arrive, and we'll be sent to fight the evil Tediz bastards. Now, we each get one base to protect; the Tediz's base won't be far ahead of our own. We have to get the enemy's chemical canister and take it down into the bunker, then deposit it into the drop-off area. When one of yers does that, you better make sure you're either in the bunker with the guy who put it in, or ya better get yerself a gas mask from one of the sealed-off areas. Right, I hope there are no questions, 'cos we ain't got time for that." Fifteen squirrels abruptly dropped their arms to their sides angrily. "Right, it's time fer rolecall. Lessee... number one on the list... Suicide Squirrel." The sergeant announced. A brave, twenty-one year old one-half grey squirrel (his mother was part lemming) looked up, then yelled "Present!" in a husky voice. Little did the sergeant know that this young man was going to be the one to lead them all to victory...

After the roll call, the squirrels were sent to the boats. There were squirrels of all shapes, sizes, and colours there that day. Suicide boarded one of the primitive wooden boats and sat down, right beside a handsome black squirrel. He examined Suicide thoroughly, then laughed. "Suicide Squirrel!" He said in a very deep, masculine voice. This was unusual; squirrels often had high, scratchy voices. Suicide raised an eyebrow at the black squirrel beside him. "Sorry, pal, I don't know you." He said, confused. The other squirrel laughed. "Suicide, you don't remember..." _She_ changed _her_ voice back to its regularly cute and feminine tone. "Me?" Suicide's eyes widened. "Pinéca!" Suicide hissed. "Pinéca, what the hell are you doing here!? Only men are s'posed to be fighting in this war!" Pinéca shrugged. "My younger brother was off in Bora-Bora with his new girlfriend, so I decided I'd go in his place. After all, I've been working out a lot lately. Beating the shit out of Tediz shouldn't be _too_ hard, I don't think." She said, twitching her silky black tail back and forth gently. Suicide grinned. "At least there's _someone_ here I know." He stated. "So... this doesn't mean you've turned... you know... lesbian, does it?" Pinéca looked about ready to pop Suicide one right on the head, but she relaxed. "No, dammit, I'm not a lesbian." She muttered, punching Suicide playfully on the shoulder. Suicide cringed as he rubbed the injured shoulder. "Shit, Pinéca! That fuckin' hurt! Man, you pack a wallop..." He shook his head, and Pinéca smirked at him. "What, not going to be Mr. Dignity and pretend like it didn't hurt? Not going to be all 'she's-a-girl-so-she-must-be-a-wuss'?" She inquired with an artificial look of shock on her face. "You forget, Pinéca; I'm not like the rest of those 'sexist pigs' you girls seem to hate." Suicide said with an airy laugh. Pinéca giggled, then contained herself. "Right, I forgot. _You're_ the gay one." She said, trying to contain her laughter. Suicide sat there staring at her for a few moments. He opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by the sergeant's husky voice. "Okay, men! We is at the beach. Now, we gots ta go up the beach, and into the base. There, you will find an assortment of useful weapons lying around in convenient places. Use them to your advantage. I also suggest that you goes after the enemies' canister. I already 'splained the canisters, so if you didn't hear it, you is on your own." "Shit!" A grey squirrel hissed. Hm, must've missed the talk on canisters. "Good luck, men." The sergeant said. "Move it out." 

The army stalked down the beach, more nervous than they'd been in their entire lives. One red squirrel bent over and opened his first aid kit. "Hey, you guys," He started. "My name's Wallace, and I'm going to... well, I'm gonna be the first-aid guy. I'll probably be somewhere near the bunker or summat. If one of ya gets hurt, come see me. Okay? Good luck! I'm gonna go ahead." He flipped it shut and ran forward. The soldiers watched him enter the base from the back entrance.

"The enemy seems to be hesitating," One Tediz sniper hissed to another in its own language, relaxing his hold on the sniper rifle he was holding. The other Tediz did the same. "What's taking those damn squirrels so long?" He muttered, dropping the butt of the gun to the floor, then leaning on it. The first Tediz shrugged. "Ah well. Anyway, want a smoke?" He offered, taking a pack of cigarettes out. The other one grinned and ablidged. "Got a light?" He asked. The other one nodded. "I'll give yeh a light..." A grey squirrel said with an evil grin. He was in the squirrels' base in the sniper tower, rifle ready and aimed at the first Tediz's head. He pulled the trigger, and a loud gunshot resounded throughout the tower. The Tediz, shall we say, "lost his head". "Don't you know smoking'll kill you?" The squirrel laughed in insane glee, aiming for the other Tediz who scrambled to his rifle. Too late. Bam, off with _his_ head. The squirrel laughed. "Like taking candy from a baby."

"Don't you think the sergeant's orders were a bit... rushed?" Suicide asked Pinéca as they ran up a wooden plank, then turned left and up a stone ramp. They were in the base. Pinéca nodded. "Definetly. I mean, he was all like 'this, that, and the other thing, any questions? No? That's a good boy'." She said, doing her best fake sergeant voice. Suicide shook his head. "I don't get it. But anyway... hey sweet, a katana!" He exclaimed suddenly, running to the other side of the platform walkway they were on. Pinéca rolled her eyes and ran after Suicide as he gingerly picked up the lethal weapon. "I have always wanted one of these." He looked around, then spotted another to his immediate left. "Hey, you want one, too?" Pinéca shrugged. "Why not? It's better than those messy guns you have to reload and reload and..." she grabbed the sword. "Hey..." She started, assuming a stance similar to a coiled snake. "Hey, this is pretty cool..." She swished it around a bit, narrowly missing Suicide's neck. "Shit, Pinéca!" He cried, jumping backwards. "Watch where you're throwin' that thing! You'll cut someone's head off! Namely, mine!" He calmed himself down. Pinéca laughed nervously. "Sorry, Suicide... didn't mean to..." She said. Suicide laughed. "Ahh, 'salright. Not the first time I've had a near-death experience, that's for sure." He sighed. "Won't be my last, either. Anyway-" "Suicide, look out!" Pinéca screamed. A red laser-light was on Suicide's helmet. It was the laser-light of a Tediz sniper rifle. The Tediz pulled the trigger just as Pinéca pulled Suicide out of the way. The bullet narrowly hit Suicide's tail, removing a bit of fur. Suicide had fallen facedown on Pinéca's back, as Pinéca had fallen to the floor. Pinéca blushed a bit, but then yelled "GET THE FUCK OFFA ME!". Suicide quickly did so, staying away from the place he had just been. He picked his sword back up, and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "You saved my life..." he said in awe. "...Thanks..." Pinéca smiled. "Don't mention it... listen, we'd better split up, okay? Kill ten Tediz, then meet me back here." She instructed. _If we're still alive by then..._ She winked at him, then jumped down onto the ground, past one grey squirrel holding a magnum. She ran into the bunker. Suicide sighed. "Looks like it's time for me to storm the enemy base," He said to himself. He looked up at the sky, then looked at the entrance to the squirrels' base. "Let's go..." He flipped through the air, screaming random Japanese-sounding battle cries off the top of his head. He zipped past another grey squirrel guarding the entrance to the squirrel base. He held tightly onto a sniper rifle, ready to shoot any intruders. He nodded toward Suicide. "Good luck, buddy. Yer gonna need it!" He said to Suicide. Suicide shook his head. "Thanks pal." He ran out the open green doors and into the daylight. Surprisingly enough, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining through the sapphire blue sky, and it was all so brilliant that Suicide had to stop for a moment to look around. He saw trees beyond the Tediz's base, and decided that if this weren't an area of killing and death, there would probably be birds singing in those trees on a day like today. "Hey, hurry it up, guy!" A red squirrel said, running past Suicide. Suicide watched the squirrel run off, then thrust his sword in front of him and ran to catch up with the red squirrel. Fortunetly, that didn't take long. Suicide slowed down after he caught up to the squirrel. "Hey, uhm, think you'll need any help?" He asked. The red squirrel looked over at him, smiled, then stopped and shook Suicide's hand. "Pleasure doing business with yeh! The name's Chessut. And you?" Suicide grinned. "I'm Suicide." Just then, a sniper bullet narrowly missed Chessut. Suicide's eyes widened, and he grabbed Chessut's arm. He drug him under a wooden bridge that basically connected the two bases together. "Shit, that was close." He muttered. "Okay then, Chessut. What weapon do you have?" Chessut grinned as he brought out two hand guns. Suicide nodded. "Okay, then. I suggest you and I run like hell to avoid that sniper up there-" He pointed to the sniper tower. "-then head to the base. We should probably hide by the wall or something, what do you think?" Chessut nodded. "Sounds good. Wait, how about I get rid of the guy at the entrance, then you go in and decapitate a few of the bastards?" He offered. Suicide grinned. "Then, while I hold 'em off, _you_ get the canister and take it down through the bunker!" He said with a triumphant grin. Chessut smiled. "I like the way you think, boy! Let's get to it. I'll take care of any Tediz that come along before we get into the base." He added. Suicide nodded, then held his sword out in front of him, ready for anything. "One... two... three..." He counted off the numbers, then paused. "CHARGE!" The two squirrels ran forward, dodging sniper bullets the whole way. They hung a quick right, where two Tediz were waiting, looking very bored. They spotted the squirrels and immedietly brought out their weapons. The one closest to them took out a semi-automatic rifle, and the other one brought out some throwing knives. They immedietly started attacking. Chessut nodded toward Suicide, who started jumping left and right to distract the Tediz. Chessut took out his hand guns and fired while Suicide distracted the sinister bears. Suicide leapt high into the air, dodging every bullet and knife that whizzed his way. He flipped over both Tediz's heads, then landed right beside the one with the throwing knives. With a quick dancelike motion, he removed the Tediz's head. Stuffing and yellow bloodlike fluid sprayed everywhere. Chessut shot the other Tediz multiple times, killing it almost instantly. Chessut nodded his head toward Suicide. "Right, I'll get the guy at the door. Then you run in and take out the others. Got it?" Chessut said to Suicide, who nodded. "Good. Let's do this." Chessut ran over to the open red doors, and stood right at the opening to the Tediz base. There stood one particularly bored-looking Tediz, holding onto a magnum and waiting for some action. Chessut grinned, readying his handguns. The Tediz spotted him immediately and started shooting, but he only had one bullet left, and Chessut dodged it. The Tediz gulped and tried to manually reload the gun, but by the time he was finished, fragments of his head were falling down beside his limp body, which fell forward. His left arm twitched slightly, his throat still gurgling his death cry, although he had a tongue no longer. Yellow blood and stuffing came from the stump that had once been his neck. He was dead. Chessut laughed. "Man, that was too easy. Okay then, boy. You go in and get rid of a few of those bastards, I'll grab the canister. Be sure to cover me, okay?" He said. Suicide nodded, then thrust his sword forward and charged into the base. The enemy Tediz saw him almost immedietly. Red laser beams from magnums and snipers aimed all at him, but none were fast enough to follow Suicide, who was flipping all over the place. At first, he ran over to the Tediz who was standing beside the entrance to the bunker. That Tediz held a sniper rifle. He fired away at Suicide, clipping his tail, and dripping a bit of blood. Suicide winced in pain, but then noticed he Tediz was off guard. He was laughing at Suicide's pain. "Oh that's it, you fucking bastard!" Suicide growled. He stabbed the Tediz through the stomach, rendering him helpless and grabbing his wound, then with a quick spin he decapitated him. The three Tediz standing nearby gasped in horror, then each started throwing knives at him. Suicide flipped into the air and landed behind one Tediz. He smirked, then got rid of his head as well. It bounced onto the floor with a sickening plop, then Suicide heard a voice coming from his walkie-talkie... "Private Chessut reporting!" Came the voice. "I've got the canister. All squirrels report to the bunker or gas mask areas! Good luck!" The message terminated. Suicide glanced over at the glowing green room that held the canister, then spotted the red squirrel carrying it. One of the knife-wielding Tediz threw knives at Chessut to stop him, but that angered Suicide. Suicide zipped over to where that Tediz was (right beside the canister area). The Tediz heard Suicide's footsteps and spun around. Suicide grinned evilly, then quickly removed the Tediz's head with a swift swish of his sword. There was one left. Suicide leapt his way over to where the snipers usually went, but he didn't enter. He saw one Tediz hiding there with the throwing knives. That Tediz started throwing some at Suicide, but to no avail. Suicide quickly ended that Tediz's life, then took a leap off the edge and onto the lower part of the base. He landed right behind Chessut. "Suicide, my boy! That was great! Now, we've gotta get down through the bunker. Let's hope no Tediz are waitin' there." He said cautiously as they entered the bunker area, which smelled faintly of sewage. Suicide plugged his nose. "Man, it totally reeks down here." He muttered as they turned a corner, passing a magnum that was on the ground. They stalked through the hallway slowly, when all of a sudden... "_Fallafunda_!" Came the voice of a Tediz. It had come from the left in a small hiding spot, so it seemed. The Tediz was armed with a flamethrower. Chessut gulped. "Oh, shit... Suicide, get rid of this asshole." He mumbled. Suicide ran ahead of Chessut, where the Tediz was. The Tediz blew flames toward Suicide, who leapt into the air and over the Tediz's head. The Tediz was so surprised he couldn't look around, so Suicide quickly got rid of their pest problem and killed him. "Good job, Suicide! Okay, get back behind me." Chessut said. Suicide smirked. "In a sec. I know for a fact that Tediz aren't anywhere _near_ immune to fire. I'm gonna go in there-" he pointed to where the Tediz had come from. "-and get a flamethrower. You keep goin', I'll be right there." Chessut nodded, then kept walking. He spoke into his walkie-talkie. "Comin' through!" He said into it. Suicide ran into the small spot the Tediz had been hiding in, then grabed the flamethrower. He tossed his sword into the air (there was a small area that led outside), and ran off. Suddenly, sirens were blaring. Suicide knew he had to hurry. He ran out of the hiding spot and hung a left, then ran down the corridor. The door was closing down, and was coming close to the bottom. Suicide slipped on the mud and fell over, making him stop. He got up quickly and ran for it, but he saw the door had almost reached the bottom. He did a bellyflop onto the ground, making him feel quite sick to his stomach, and slid down the small slope and through the door, just before it closed. Suicide puffed, then saw Chessut frowning at him. "You almost got yourself _killed_!" He hissed. Suicide smirked. "They don't call me Suicide for nothin'." He walked over to Wallace, the doctor, and got him to take a look at his tail. There were plenty of squirrels in sight, but Pinéca wasn't one of them...

**End of part 1**

Okie! I finally got part one finished. Not sure how many chapters this'll have, but ah well. Anyway, about the names. I'm trying to keep most of the names as nut/berry/squirrel-related as I can. For example: Pinéca = Pine cone, Wallace = Walnut, Chessut = Chestnut, etc. Not sure how long this'll be exactly. After this, I'm going to write a sequel entitled Suicide Squirrel: COLOURS (yes, I am Canadian, I added the bloody U, so sue me :p). If you like this, please read my other Conker-related fanfic, Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day in the crossovers section (Donkey Kong/Conker crossover). I'll be alternating between stories. So... that's about it. Feel free to e-mail me at [katiec@nb.sympatico.ca][1] if you have any questions or comments. Until then I leave you with but one question... what the hell is Mepsipax!?

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



	2. Chapter 2

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 2 (Conker's BFD fanfic)

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 2

Suicide took a seat beside Wallace. "'Ey, lad, what seems t' be th' problem?" Wallace asked. Suicide gestured toward his tail. "My tail got sniped at a bit, if you know what I mean." He muttered. "Think you can take a look at it?" Wallace nodded. "Yeh, go 'head, have yourself a seat. Let's see what those bastards did to you." He replied. Suicide sat down, then remembered something. "Hey," He called out to the squirrels in the area. "Has anyone heard anything about Private Pin... er, Pin..." One brown squirrel spoke up. "Pinocco?" He said. Suicide nodded. Pinocco. Must've been the name Pinéca signed up with. "Haven't heard anything from him. Why d'you wanna know?" Suicide gulped. Was Pinéca okay? "Jus' wondering, buddy, just wondering." He sighed. "How's it goin' back there, Wallace?" Wallace put his tongue on his cheek as he rubbed a bit of alcohol on Suicide's tail. "SHIT!" Suicide screamed, turning around. "That hurt!" He started to blow on his tail. "Sorry there, lad." Wallace replied, looking slightly embarassed. "But don' worry, you'll be okay. You're tail just got grazed a bit. That alcohol'll make it 'eal faster. 'Kay, lad?" The sirens stopped, and a loud rumble was heard. The doors were opening. "Shit. Lad, ya'd better get y'self ready. I think I see some Tediz on the other side of that door..." Wallace was right. At least twenty Tediz poured in through the door and started firing. Wallace grabbed his first aid kit and stood. "I gotta get goin'. G'luck, lad!" He ran out the opposite door. Suicide sighed, watching as many squirrels were killed before his eyes. He didn't like this. He knew it was time to bring out the hot stuff. Suicide whipped out his flamethrower and ran through the sea of blood beneath him, almost making him slip. The first Tediz didn't even see him coming. "AHHH!" It screamed, its nylon fur immedately reacting to the flame. It ran around, accidently igniting other Tediz along its way. Soon, all the Tediz were on fire and dancing about like a drunk squirrel in a strip bar. One by one, they fell over, creating a large mass of burnt nylon. Suicide smirked and put him flamethrower away. "The only good Tediz, is a _fried_ Tediz." He said triumphantly. He looked over at the canister drop-off area and saw Chessut standing there, his eyes wide. "H-holy shit, Suicide!" He exclaimed. "Once again, y-you almost got yourself killed!" Suicide smirked. "Don't worry about it, Chessut, I know what I'm doing. Now come on, let's head back to the base." He offered. Chessut nodded, face still as white as a red squirrel's face can get. They turned around and walked out of the sewage area. "Hey, what do you need that for?" Chessut asked as he watched Suicide take out his walkie talkie. Suicide smirked a bit, then held down a button. "Private Suicide reporting," He said. "Hope some of you guys made it away from the chemical cloud. Anyway, if any of you have seen Private Pinocco _or_ if Private Pinocco's hearing this, please contact me immediately. Over!" He let go of the button, then noticed Chessut staring at him oddly. "What?" "What is it with you and this Pinocco guy?" He asked. "Well, we had originally planned to kill ten Tediz each, then meet eachother back in our own base. I guess you can call us 'partners in crime'." Suicide said with a light chuckle. "We used to go to school together. From kindergarten to grade twelve. Buds, ya know?" Chessut nodded. "Yep..." He said, a sad look on his face. "Buds..." Suicide looked concerned. "Chessut? What 's'matter?" He said worriedly. Chessut shook his head. "Nothing. Just... memories, ya know?" He replied sadly. Suicide looked ahead. "I'm sorry, Chessut. If only I knew." Chessut laughed a bit. "Hey, man! Come on, you're not a mindreader. Forget about it." He said. Suicide shrugged as the two entered the base. Home away from home. "Okay." 

"You're all MONSTERS!" Pinéca screamed, wriggling to get free from the ropes tied around her hands and ankles. Tears trickled down her face. The evil Tediz surrounding her laughed evilly, poking her with their knifeguns every so often, but not spilling any blood. "Leave me alone!" She screamed. Just then, she heard a message come through on the walkie-talkie on the belt around her waist. "Private Suicide reporting. Hope some of you guys made it away from the chemical cloud. Anyway, if any of you have seen Private Pinocco _or_ if Private Pinocco's hearing this, please contact me immediately. Over!" Came the voice. Pinéca gasped. "Suicide...!" She whispered. She glared at the Tediz before her. "Let me use my walkie-talkie." She hissed at them. The Tediz laughed, then shook their heads. "No," they taunted. "No." They poked at her arms, drawing a bit of blood. Pinéca screamed in anger. "LET ME USE MY FUCKING WALKIE-TALKIE!" She screamed, wriggling to get free. The Tediz shook their heads once more. "You're all assholes!" Pinéca spat at them. "I hope you rot!" The Tediz frowned at her, and readied their knife guns. They were about to pull the trigger, when... "Don't shoot the girl!" Came a Tediz voice, speaking in a thick accent. A rather buff-looking Tediz with a cigar in its mouth came out from a door behind them. It was the Tediz leader. It hissed a few things in its own language at the nearby Tediz, and they dropped their guns and scuttled off. He smirked, and sat down by Pinéca, who opened her firmly shut eyes, and glared at the Tediz in front of her. "What the fuck do _you_ want?" She snapped. The Tediz laughed. "My my, touchy, aren't we?" He said. "I just want some... answers out of you." Pinéca rolled her eyes. "...Right. Now, first question. Why were you trying to infiltrate our base?" Pinéca narrowed her eyes. "Because you're all stupid bastards that don't deserve to live." She growled. She spat in his eye. "That's why." The Tediz smirked, whiping the saliva from his eye. "I see." he said. "I see."

Suicide sighed loudly. "Hey, come on, mate!" Chessut nudged him. "It'll be all right! Don't worry, Pinocco'll come out okay." Suicide shook his head. "I'm not so sure, Chessut." He said sadly. "I think he would've replied to my call by now." He picked up a few grenades from a crate and pocketed them. "Anyway... let's go to the Tediz's base. I'm bored." Chessut laughed. "That's the spirit, boy." He said with a chuckle. The two ran up the wooden plank and outside, but then stopped when they saw many squirrels gathered around the entrance to the bunker that was dug into the ground. "What's going on here?" Chessut asked. One albino squirrel turned around. "There's a guy down there havin' a fight with a Tediz. The bastard's almost got him!" He exclaimed. Suicide frowned, then walked over the the bunker entrance. He pushed the squirrels out of the way, then shouted down the hole. "Hey, guy! I'm throwing a grenade down! Get out of the way!" He shouted to the squirrel, pulling the pin of a grenade and tossing it down. "What was that?" The squirrel asked. "I couldn't quite hear you, bud." The grenade ticked for a few seconds, then exploded. Red blood, yellow blood, stuffing, and assorted bodyparts flew everywhere. The squirrel was dead. Everyone craned their necks around to look at Suicide, who stood there with his mouth gaping open, not believing what had just happened. He killed an innocent recruit on his own side. He gulped loudly as all the squirrels around him (except Chessut) glared at him accusingly. "Murderer!" One grey squirrel screamed. "Traitorous son of a bitch!" "Two-faced cocksucker!" Suicide whiped the sweat from his forehead. "Guys, I didn't mean to! I told him to get out of the way, I meant to get the Tediz! Honest!" The albino squirrel frowned. "My furry white ass, you did!" He growled. He took out a pair of handguns. "You'll pay for his death, bastard!" Chessut ran in front of Suicide. "Guys, guys! He didn't mean to! Suicide's a good guy! He wouldn't ever kill a squirrel on purpose!" He protested. "Please, guys! Have a heart!" The squirrels looked at eachother for a moment, then discussed the situation. They turned back toward Suicide and Chessut, then frowned. "You're in with him!" Another grey squirrel screamed. "Let's get 'em, boys!" All the squirrels brought out their weapons and got ready to attack, when the albino squirrel raised a hand. All the squirrels put their weapons away. "How about we test these guys to see just _how_ worthy they are?" He said with a smirk. "We'll get these guys to clear out the enemy base, or most of it." He offered. He looked up at the sky, and noticed the sun was beginning to set. "Ah, shit. Tomorrow then. We have to go back to the barracks to sleep." He glared at Suicide. "Let's just hope this asshole and his cohort don't strike again." He muttered. A loud whistle blew, signifying the end of the fighting for that day. The squirrels all turned around and went back insidetheir own base. They went through the exit and toward the beach, with Suicide and Chessut trudging along slowly behind the rest of the group. Suicide put his head in his hands, shaking it. Chessut patted him on the back. "I killed him, Chessut." Suicide muttered. "I fucking blew him up." Chessut sighed. "It wasn't your fault, Suicide. You warned him. He should've gotten out of the way." He said. Suicide shook his head. "He didn't hear me. For all I know, the poor guy could've been deaf or something. And I killed him." He took his hands away, showing that he was crying. "I don't know if I can live with myself. I _killed_ him." Chessut patted him on the back once more. "Don't worry, mate. You just need some sleep. It'll be all right." Suicide shook his head once more. _Not gonna happen._ He thought.

Pinéca answered all of the Tediz leader's questions by sundown. She sighed. "Can I please go now?" She asked. "Or at least report back to someone with my radio? Please?" The Tediz sighed. "Fine, fine." He tossed his cigar out the window, as it had been smoked to the point that it was nothing but a small, burning stub of tobacco. He untied Pinéca, and she stretched around a bit. "Thanks!" She said happily. She took her walkie-talkie from her belt, then pressed a button and spoke into it. "Private Pinocco reporting," She said in a noticably deeper voice. She only hoped she could reach Suicide.

Suicide trudged across the beach with Chessut by his side, feeling completely lousy. Just then, he heard a voice in his radio... "Private Pinocco reporting. Private Suicide, I'm all right." Suicide grabbed the radio frantically and held it to his ear. "But... SUICIDE THE TEDIZ HAVE ME! Help! Go to the bunker and you'll find a secret entra- hey! What are you doing with...? No! My radio! Give it back!" Pinéca's voice faded into the background. Suicide quickly pressed and held a button. "Private Pinocco! Can you hear me!?"

The Tediz grabbed Pinéca's radio and tossed it out the window. It smashed on the ground below, and became nothing but crumpled metal. Pinéca screamed. "YOU ASSHOLE!" She screamed. "ASSHOLE ASSHOLE ASSHOLE! That was the only way of contacing Suicide!" She kicked the Tediz a few times. "ASSHOLE!" The Tediz picked her up and looked her in the eye. "You were giving away our hideout, bitch!" He hissed. "What was I _supposed_ to do, let them come in here and kill me, and my soldiers!?" He shook his head and tied her back onto the wooden pole she was on before. "Not going to happen." Pinéca sighed. "You didn't have to throw my radio out the window." She muttered. The Tediz raised an eyebrow at her, lighting up another cigar. "Yes, I did." He replied. Pinéca frowned. "I had to contact Suicide! We were supposed to kill ten of your little 'friends', then head back and meet eachother at our own base. I killed ten of 'em, and was ready to go back, when two of _your_ kind took me here." She narrowed her eyes. "Let me go, NOW!" The Tediz laughed. "If I do that, you'll tell the other squirrels where this place is. They'll come and kill us all, or at least... try to." He laughed. "Oh yeah, we're sending my finest soldiers to your barracks right now. Just so we can get rid of our little... pest problem before it gets even worse." He laughed once more. "We'll get them in their prime; when they're fast asleep." He main a splitting motion across his neck. "And all your little buddies-including Suicide-will be dead!" Pinéca's eyes welled up with tears. "No..." She whispered. The Tediz smirked. "'Fraid so, dear." He said with a snigger. "Well, looks like it's time for me to go and eat supper. I sure am hungry. Tired, too. Yes, a nice warm bed. That'll do nicely." He removed the cigar from his mouth and put out the ember on Pinéca's arm, singing her fur and her skin. She screamed in agony. The Tediz laughed, then left her alone. "Suicide..." Pinéca whispered. She shook her head, tears trickling down her cheeks. "Oh, Suicide..."

**End of part 2**

There you have it, part 2! Let's see now, no new names, so it seems. Y'know, I wrote about 3/4 of this chapter while listening to the BFD soundtrack? (If you want one, check it out on eBay, that's where I got mine.) I love this soundtrack. Let's see... right now I'm listening to the song entitled "Surf Punks" (AKA the song that plays while you're racing those bitchy little cavemen buggers, Mugged subchapter). But, I'm babbling. Right. Please check out Conker's _Other_ Bad Fur Day! it really doesn't have that much to do with Donkey Kong, really! And as usual, e-mail me at [katiec@nb.sympatico.ca][1] with any questions/compliments/whatever. Oh yeah, and I _still_ haven't found out what Mepsipax is, dammit.

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca



	3. Chapter three,!

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 3 (Conker's BFD fanfic)

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 3

"I have to go back!" Suicide exclaimed, spinning around on his heels and starting to sprint back to the base. "Suicide, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing!?" Chessut shouted, running after him. "That's suicide! You'll die going into the Tediz base on your own!" Suicide frowned. "All the better." He replied. The albino squirrel from before, a grey squirrel, a brown, and a red one turned around and chased Suicide and Chessut. "Just you wait a second!" The albino shouted. Suicide and Chessut slowed down, then spun around to look at the squirrel. "Where the fuck do you think _you're_ going?" Suicide gulped. "We're going to the base." He said very matter-of-factly. "And there's nothing you dickheads can do about it. I'm going to rescue my friend." The other squirrels surrounding him looked at eachother, then burst into laughter. "Y-you think that after your little escapade with that grey squirrel back there that we'll let you go over to our base BY YOURSELF?" The brown squirrel laughed. "I don't think so." Suicide frowned and turned away. "Whether you let me or not isn't the case here. I'm GOING, and that's final." He started to stalk off. The albino squirrel stopped laughing for a moment. "Wait a second there, guy." He said. Suicide stopped walking. "How about we make you a deal? You can go, but under one condition." Suicide groaned loudly. "What is it now?" He asked. The albino smiled. "_We_ have to go with you."

Pinéca sobbed silently, looking out the window at the stars, which were slowly greeting the night. _Suicide's going to die, and it's all my fault!_ She thought, a tear trickling down her black, furry cheek. She closed her eyes, then opened them in a frown. Then, she screamed as loud as she possibly could.

"Uhm, so . . ." The albino squirrel began as the troop headed toward the base. It was getting dark. "What's your name, Killer?" Suicide looked behind him and glared at the white squirrel. "It's NOT Killer, thank you very much. My name is Suicide, and this is Chessut." He gestured his hands toward Chessut. "And who might you fine assholes be?" The albino laughed. "You're just BURSTIN' with originality, Killer. Anyway, the name's Div, short for Divinity." He muttered. Suicide smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Divinity? That is the _gayest_ name for a guy I have ever heard." He laughed. "What about the rest of you?" He gestured to the other squirrels behind him. The brown one spoke up first. "The name's Acorn." He said passively, looking at the scenery around him. The grey one looked up. "I'm Smokey, for obvious reasons." He laughed a bit, then coughed. The red one nodded. "I'm Kent." He said. Suicide looked back at them and nodded. "It's almost a pleasure to be working with you all, but not quite." He laughed a bit, but Smokey got in front of Suicide and blocked him. "No more funny shit, man." He took out a semi-automatic rifle and aimed it between Suicide's eyes. "Or I'll blow your head off. We're here to supervise you, not take any crap from you." He growled. Suicide laughed. "_Supervise_ me! What for!?" He snapped, smirking. Smokey glared at him. "You completely blew up that guy back there. We're makin' sure you don't do any funny business." Suicide sighed rather loudly, and rolled his eyes. "I _told_ you! It was an _accident_! You think I'm really a traitor!? I've got a friend out there who's been captured by the Tediz! Who _knows_ what they'll to to her-HIM! What they'll do to HIM!" He shouted, quickly correcting himself. Smokey smirked. "Well, then . . ." They resumed walking, and Smokey went back behind Suicide. 

It was dark. Time for the Tediz to strike, when the opponent was least expecting it. They hobbled through the darkness of the bunker, toting sniper rifles and submachine handguns. One slipped and fell on the mud. He screamed. "Shut _up_!" One Tediz hissed in its crude language. "You want those squirrels to hear you? They'll suspect something and get down here! Do you _really_ want that to happen?" He hissed. The fallen Tediz gulped loudly. "N-no. I'm s-sorry." He stuttered. The one standing above him whacked him on the head with his rifle, giving him a bit of a bruise. "Then stand up! And stop screaming!" He walked on. The fallen Tediz stood slowly, a tear trickling down his cheek. He whimpered slightly, but continued on. Suddenly, the troop stopped. "Now, fellow Tediz!" One Tediz with a formidable scar across his right eye said. "We're now entering the squirrel scum's base. First one to collect the chemical weapon, get yer ass into the sewer. I suggest those who are left over either follow the lucky bastard with the weapon, or grab a gas mask. That's what the boss told me. Apparently, the prisoner's got a buddy out there. We need to kill _all_ of 'em!" He laughed loudly. "Any questions?" The Tediz at the end, the one who had been knocked over, slowly raised a quivering hand. "Uhm, do we _have_ to go through with this procedure?" He asked in a shaky voice. "Isn't it, uhm," he noticed all the other Tediz glaring in his general direction, "isn't this, uhm, cheating?" The scarred Tediz smirked. "Joelk, do you _have_ a deathwish? You really want those squirrels to put a bullet through your head?" He laughed a bit. "_We're_ the bad guys here, remember? We're _supposed_ to cheat!" The Tediz in back (Joelk, apparently) gulped. "I understand," he said, shrinking into a corner. "Sorry."

Smokey and Suicide resumed fighting all the way to the base. Chessut finally sighed loudly, and cut in. "Gentlemen, we've arrived at the base." He said above all the noise. Smokey and Suicide quickly shut up. "We have to be _very_ quiet around here." Div whispered, holding his semi-automatic rifle at the ready. "There are probably _some_ Tediz around here." They slowly entered the base, when they saw . . . A huge brigade of Tediz! Maybe a hundred of them! All walking slowly up the planks toward . . . The canister. The present squirrels stood there in utter shock as the Tediz patrolled up into the canister area. They watched as one Tediz took the canister, and walked proudly toward the bunker. Acorn frowned, then took out a magnum. "They ain't gettin' away with this." He muttered. He fired away at the one carrying the canister, grazing its shoulder and making it drop the canister. The canister rolled down into the bunker, making it one step closer to killing everyone around. "Shit!" Acorn swore, snapping his fingers in disappointment. He first picked off all the Tediz waiting to grab a gas mask, then ran inside to search for the canister. It didn't take long for the Tediz to notice him, though. Several poured into the bunker area, searching for him. "Let's help him," Kent offered. The others nodded, then brought out some weapons. They immediately started shooting any Tediz that ran into the bunker area. They dropped one after another after another; just like flies. It wasn't long before there were at least fifty dead Tediz littering the ground. Suicide ran in toward the bunker. "Suicide, wait! You'll kill yourself!" Chessut shouted. Suicide spun around. He laughed a bit. "I know!" He replied. He turned back around, then ran toward the bunker. Chessut sighed sadly. "Be careful, Suicide . . ." He whispered.

The Tediz leader slapped Pinéca. "Shut up, you bitch!" He shouted. "You want your little squirrel friends to come in and kill us all!?" Pinéca glared up at him in a solemn frown. "You're damn right I do!" She snapped. The leader frowned. "Not the answer I was expecting. As soon as we kill off your squirrel friends, we'll deal with you. You'll never know what hit you!" He grinned evilly. "Because you'll be _dead_." Pinéca growled. "No you won't. Suicide'll come after you. _You'll_ be the dead one!" Her eyes narrowed into a vicious stare. The leader laughed. "We'll see about that."

Suicide ran down the bunker as fast as possible. Suddenly, he heard a voice . . . "Suicide! Waiiiit!" It was Chessut. Suicide spun around, then smiled. "Come along for the ride, eh? Good job there, Chessut!" He complimented. Chessut grinned, then his eyes wandered to the near end of the bunker. Panic took over his face. "RUN!" He exclaimed, running toward the canister drop-off. Suicide turned around, and saw a Tediz carrying the canister. Not only that, but he had just gotten past the door. Suicide started running as well, but then remembered that he could get down there much faster (just like last time) if he slid down. He took a leap, and flopped down onto his stomach, temporarily winding him, and slid down the bunker. He spread out his arms and legs, but kept them in the air, just so that he could trip several Tediz along the way. He was making good time, but then, he accidently tripped Chessut! Chessut toppled on top of him, and covered his hands over his eyes in panic. Suicide couldn't see a friggin' thing! They slid through the mud, completely soiling their army outfits, and then ran into something warm and fuzzy. . . . There was a loud, Tediz scream, and Chessut watched as the Tediz who was carrying the canister flew across the room and smashed - headfirst - into the metal wall. The canister flew up, and fell into the mud. Suicide and Chessut slowed down a bit, and stopped right before the canister drop-off. They stood and dusted themselves off, then looked at one another. They then looked over at the Tediz, who was now lying on the ground, unconscious. They looked back at eachother, and laughed. "You guys!" Acorn shouted, running down the bunker. Kent, Div, and Smokey followed. "That was _THE_ single coolest thing I have EVER seen!" He praised them. "I was wrong about you two! You're not so bad after all!" He laughed, and patted the two squirrels on the shoulders. "So, then. . . ." Just then, a Tediz walked over and tapped Chessut lightly on the shoulder. "Excuse me. . . ." It said, in a very normal English voice. It was Joelk. Chessut backed away slowly. "Get away from me, you dirty Tediz bastard!" He hissed, whipping out a couple of handguns. Joelk backed away a bit as well. "A-are you. . . ." He began, stuttering out of nervousness. "Are you Chessut?" He finished. Chessut looked confused. "Uh, yeah . . . who wants to know?" He said suspiciously. Joelk's face brightened. "Chessut! It's me! Joelk! Don't you recognize me?"

**End of part 3** Augh! Finally finished the bloody chapter! Sorry this one's shorter than the others. The next one'll be longer! Anyway, I FINALLY found out what Mepsipax is, thanks to someone very nice who decided to e-mail me ^^ apparently, it's a brand of condoms O.o I know, I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!? *L* Anyway, thanks for reading, y'all :p Don't forget to e-mail me with comments/complaints/other stuff [here][1]! Baiiiii!

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca?subject=Regarding your fic



	4. C|-|4p+3r F0|_|r, \/\/00+!

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 4 (Conker's BFD fanfic)

©2001 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!

LEGAL CONKER DISCLAIMER: © Random years, who knows... uhm, we'll say 2000, since this has nothing to do with Conker's Pocket Tails or Twelve Tails. Right. © 2001 Rare and Nintendo. All rights reserved.

Suicide Squirrel, TOTAL WAR Part 4

Chessut's eyebrows raised, and he looked the Tediz over. Joelk was short and kind of scrawny for a teddy bear, Chessut noticed. That was how he recognized him. His face brightened, and his eyes gleamed with happy tears. "Joelk? Joelk, is it _really_ you!?" He asked. Joelk grinned and nodded. "What OTHER Tediz speaks fluent English, and speaks with a not-so-German accent?" He laughed a bit, then cleared his throat. Div ran over to get the canister. "But Joelk, I thought you were dead," Chessut said, shaking his head. "I thought that those big, grey-squirrel bulleys chased you and killed you when we were in grade school." Joelk laughed. "_Kill_ me!? Naw, they just threatened me, and told me that they'd kill me and my family if we didn't move back to Germany. So, we moved back, and they told the whole school - including you - that they'd killed me." He said solemnly. Chessut shook his head. "The bastards. They simply refuse to believe that not all Tediz are jerks." He shook it again, then grinned. "Well, it's good to see you! We need to catch up!" Suicide cleared his throat a bit. "Uhm, yeah, HI, Chessut! This is a force of destruction! You can't become friends with a killer!" He shouted. Joelk laughed again. "Hey, don't worry, I've never killed anyone or anything in all my life. I was born in England, just like you!" He replied. Chessut nodded. "And besides, Suicide; remember my friend that I was talking about earlier? The one who I had, ahem, 'memories' about?" Suicide nodded slowly. "Yeah, well, this is him! I've known him since I was a baby!" Suicide raised an eyebrow. "But . . . if you're a 'good' Tediz, then how come you've joined the army and are going against we squirrels?" He asked accusingly. Joelk looked a bit embarassed. "Well, to tell the truth, I was forced to. I didn't WANT to." He shuffled uncomfortably. Chessut smiled again, and put his arm around his friend. "Hey, don't worry about it! You're on _our_ side now!" He said cheerfully. Acorn nodded, and grinned almost evilly. "Yeah, and if any of those Tediz bastards try hurtin' ya, we'll blow the livin' fuck outta them!" He said with a laugh. One Tediz ran down the bunker, screaming obscenities in Joelk's general direction. "Ah, speakin' of which. . . ." Acorn added, readying his magnum, then firing. The Tediz's head was shot clear off, and there was nothing left but a stump of a neck, and green blood squirting out of it. "Besides," Acorn continued, putting his gun away, "this grey squirrel over here-" He gestured his hand in Suicide's direction. "-is a pretty bad traitor. Blew the livin' fuck out of another guy around here." Suicide's eyes widened, and he frowned angrily. "Dammit, it was an _accident_, and you _know_ it!" He exclaimed. Acorn shrugged. "Whatever." He muttered. Div smiled at Joelk. "Well, anyway, we're trying to get Suicide's friend back. Apparently, he's locked up-" At this point, Suicide almost corrected him and said "she", but then quickly remembered that Pinéca was in disguise, so he shut up. "-by some of your kind. We're trying to get him back, even though he's prolly a jerk like Suicide here." Div shrugged. Suicide grabbed Div by the shirt collar. "Take that back!" He hissed. Div grinned slyly. "What's wrong, lemming? Gonna do to me what you did to that grey squirrel? Well, then, just go ahead! But I assure you that if you do, Smokey, Kent, and Acorn here will rip you limb from limb and feed you to the Tediz. Is that what you want?" He laughed a bit. Suicide frowned and started to shake violently. He drew his gun up to Div's forehead, and was about to pull the trigger, when. . . . He dropped him. Suicide dropped Div right on the ground, then fired the shot he was about to use on Div into the air and put his gun away, glaring at him the whole time. "It was a fucking accident, and if you can't let that go, then I'm sorry. You don't HAVE to supervise me, anyway! I don't NEED supervision! I'm not a child!" He turned away, a look of pure anger and hatred evident on his face. "Oh yeah, and next time you decide to be a smartass, I _will_ pull the trigger." He added, pausing before rejoining Chessut and Div. "Sorry, guys. Please continue." Div stood and dusted himself off with quick, jerky motions. "I think we should hurry up if we want to save your pal, Suicide." Chessut offered. "Hey, uhm, Joelk?" Suicide started. Joelk glanced at him. "Do you know anything about a secret passage into your base?" Joelk grinned knowingly. "I think I know who you're talking about now! The prisoner; the girl, right?" He asked. Suicide slapped himself on the forehead. "Dammit, no one was supposed about that!" He hissed so that only Joelk could hear. Joelk blushed a bit. "Eep, sorry." He spoke up a bit so that everyone could hear. "Oops, nope, not her!" He said in a rather artificial-sounding voice. "I mean, uhm, that black-squirrel guy! Right! I forgot that we killed the girl last week! Sorry 'bout that!" He laughed nervously, but everyone bought it. Suicide sighed with relief. "Yeh, that's the one I mean." He said. Joelk nodded. "No problem. Follow me, and I'll take you there right now."

"Well, Miss," The Tediz leader hissed with a hint of hatred. "It seems your friend is on his way." Pinéca perked up, then glared at the leader. "I told you he'd come for me, and he's going to kick _your_ ass!" She snapped. The leader laughed heartily. "That scrawny little guy, kick _my_ ass? Not going to happen." He laughed and lit up another cigar. "I'm sending my strongest warriors down after your little, eh, boyfriend." He laughed a bit more. Pinéca narrowed her eyes again. "_Boyfriend!?_" She said through her teeth. "My _boyfriend!?_ Somehow, I think not, you dirty, overstuffed bag of shit!" The leader laughed. "You must like him, or you wouldn't be so worried about him!" He observed knowingly. Pinéca blushed slightly. "You wouldn't know about love, you emotionless jerk, or else you wouldn't be doing this!" The Tediz Leader laughed once more, and shook his head. "You squirrels never cease to humour me."

The six squirrels and one Tediz walked up through the secret passage very slowly, toting guns and taking extra precautions to make sure they continued alive, and Joelk led them every step of the way. Every so often, a Tediz or two would run down, screaming and yelling, but Joelk would calmly tell the Tediz that the squirrels were prisoners. The Tediz would believe this, until one of the squirrels took their chance at blowing that Tediz's head clear off. Then he wouldn't believe anything ever again. "Man, I don't know how I can even STAND being one of _these_ filthy vermin." Joelk muttered after awhile. Div laughed a bit. "Why don't you ask Suicide that question? He'll tell you how you can stand it." He smirked. Suicide simply took a deep breath in, and let it all out slowly. "I really want to break something right now." He muttered. "Stop right there!" A Tediz hissed from behind the small group. Everyone spun around, then they realized it was more than just one. There were ten Tediz, fully armed, standing right behind them, pointing their guns. "What are you doing?" Suicide gulped, then thought up a perfect allaby. "We're just about to commit suicide." He lied, taking a grenade from his arsenal. Everyone looked at him with wide eyes as he pulled the pin, but he hissed something to them. "Run away, hurry!" They did so, and the other Tediz didn't even notice. The grenade ticked away, just waiting to explode, and Suicide backed up rather quickly. :"I figure I'm going to die by execution by you bastards anyway, so I'd might as well commit suicide now. There's no point in living anymore." He added with a fake sob. Then, he looked at the Tediz, who had a bit of sympathy showing on their faces, then grinned. "Not. Seeya losers!" He tossed that friggin' grenade as quickly as he could, and it combusted right in midair. The explosion was so great, though, that it killed all the Tediz. Suicide scuttled for safety, escaping the blast. "Hey, that was pretty cool!" Div praised, much to Suicide's surprise. "How'd you know when it was going to explode?" Suicide laughed in reply. "The Holy Hand Grenade rules, man. 'Thou shalt counteth to 3. Not 2, not 4. 5 is out of the question. Three.'. I did that in my mind, and right before three, I gave the damn thing a really big chuck over there, and here I am now." He laughed. Div shook his head. "I suppose a traitor who watches Monty Python isn't as bad as he's cracked up to be."

After hours of searching through the secret passage, the group finally arrived at the Casualty Department, where most of the sinister experiments were conducted. "I'm going to warn all of you now." Joelk began, interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream in the background. He winced a bit. "What you're about to see is not pleasant. It's frightening place in there, and it's definetly not what you'd think to be lovely. Just warning you. This is what we call . . . the Casualty Department." He pushed the big metal doors open, and two Tediz doctors stood there, toying around with a severed squirrel arm. "What should we do with it?" The Tediz on the right said in its native tongue. He shook up a bottle of poison. "Let me see that poison. I wanna check something." The one on the left said. Acorn made a face. "Dude, that's nasty. . . ." He whispered in disgust. "I can't believe they take pride in that sort of thing." Joelk nodded slowly. "They do this sort of thing _all the time_. It's like a hobby for them." He sighed. "Well, they've got a prisoner in here named 'Rodent' or something. You guys know him?" Smokey's eyes widened. "_General_ Rodent? _The_ General Rodent?" He whispered in awe. "_The_ General Rodent that helped bring our last war against the Tediz to victory? _The_ General Rodent who tested out that titanim laminate that everyone wears now? _The_ General Rodent who works for King Conker? _That_ Rodent?" Joelk raised a sewn-on eyebrow. "Er, I think so, why?" He said, suddenly scared of Smokey. "_DUDE!_ That guy is my fuckin' _hero_! He's so small and short, but he and King Conker were the only guys who left the thing virtually unscathed! Plus, he survived a freaking _explosion_! Rodent _rules_!" Smokey exclaimed. "What the hell was _that_?" One of the Tediz doctors hissed. "It sounds like a squirrel!" They both spun around and glared at the doorway. "Oh . . . fuck." Suicide muttered. "What are these squirrels doing here, Joelk?" The first doctor said in his own language. Joelk cleared his throat a bit. "Uhm, I'm taking them out to be executed." He muttered in the same language. The second doctor grinned and snapped one of his surgical gloves. "Why don't you let _us_ take care of 'em? Heh heh heh." He laughed, grinning menacingly behind his mask. Joelk laughed a bit. "AaaahahahahSHOOTTHEMhahahah. . . ." He laughed to the squirrels behind him, who immediately got the hint. They quickly took their guns out, aimed, and fired at the two doctors before they could react. Their heads flew clear off and hit the wall at the end of the room. "Are there any more?" Acorn whispered nervously. Joelk shook his head. "I don't think so, but we have to be very careful. Let's go on." He said. The party moved slowly through the room, noticing lava lamps of squirrel body parts like their heads, hands, and feet, floating around inside. Div's white face turned to a queasy green. "That is _damn_ sick." He muttered. "I think I'm going to puke." He noticed the blood all over the surgery tables, not to mention the fragments of flesh that still remained from previous operations. His foot stepped into a puddle of blood, and he cupped a hand over his mouth. "Guys, I really _am_ going to puke. Be right back." He spun around and ran out the big metal doors. Smokey shook his head. "Bah, he's not as tough as he thinks he-HOLY FUCK IT'S GENERAL RODENT!" He exclaimed. Everyone looked over in the direction he was looking. There sat General Rodent, uncomfortably seated in an electric chair. "Uh, hi fellas, can you give me a hand?" He asked.

End of Part 4.

So sorry this one took so long to finish. Well, before I continue with the chapter's usual notes, I have to give my utmost(sp.? ^^;;;) sympathy to everyone who knew someone involved in the events of September 11th. It's an awful tragedy, and I feel guilty writing a story about a war when it's so close to reality, sorry if I've offended anyone by doing so. I'm horribly saddened by the events and I'm just trying to cheer people up a bit with some fanfiction. Writing really helps sometimes. Anyway, I'll continue now with the usual. Okay, this chapter wasn't MUCH longer than the last one, but it was a BIT longer, I checked :p. And guess what's gonna happen next chapter? Go on, guess! HINT: It has something to do with Pinéca. Oh yeah, sorry about all those boring little paragraphs that had she and the Tediz leader in them ^^;;; I know they sucked, but I had to have a filler in there. Oh yeah, and I'd like to thank Anonymous for the idea for holding the grenade and not letting go till the last second (see: line 119 *for me, anyway*). I melded that in with Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail's Holy Hand Grenade. Hehehe. Anyway, as usual, feel free to send me an e-mail anytime regarding just about anything [here][1]. Oh yeah, and next chapter you'll get to see a picture of Suicide, Pinéca, and Pinocco (Pinéca dressed like a dude, for all those who don't know)! See ya next time.

   [1]: mailto:katiec@nb.sympatico.ca?subject=Regarding your fic



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